Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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