I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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