buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
