So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
