Michael Bay diarrhea
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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