So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
