my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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