I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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