i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize