listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So many bounce houses so little time
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
