Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
