In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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