He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
did i just pee glitter
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
