I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
