HIV tests are more positive than that guy
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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