ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
