Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
