i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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