last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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