I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
