My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
