In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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