omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
