my phone needs a breathalizer
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
