Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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