Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
