i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
