The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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