lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize