He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
