Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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