i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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