totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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