I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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