ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
