wanna go halves on a baby?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
