there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
