So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
