well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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