What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize