I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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