She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I was not drunk enough for that final.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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