If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
