I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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