I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
