Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
