...so i touched it.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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