omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
