Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
