I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize