You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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